I am a woman.
There are many rockin' incredible things about being a girl and I enjoy all of them.
Then there is bathing suit season and I turn into a stereotype.
When I was a spring chicken and needed to put rocks in pocket to keep from falling down on a windy day, life was good. I bought my pants in the kids department, size 14 and half the price.
I didn't wear a bra because I didn't have breasts. I wore shorts while I rode my bike,
my swim suit into the grocery store, and ran like a gazelle.
Well it has been a long time and all that praying to the boob fairy paid off, I could breast feed a small country. I have a woman's body now, very curvy, nice and soft, very maternal. I now buy a ladies size 14 pants, I ride my bike in sweats, if I wore my swimsuit into the grocery store I would be arrested for frightening small children. I would probably give myself a black eye if I ran there are too many parts of me that don't need to bounce.
On most days I like myself. When I am standing in a dressing room trying on a new bathing suit and looking like a raw bagel I have mixed feelings about what has happened to my one tiny body.
I like swimming naked. My neighbors would prefer I did not. The next best thing is a bikini and that is just comical. Every summer I swear that next year I will be fit and trim. I will strut into the department store and snatch the cutest bikini of the rack and pay for it with pride, the envy of every soft-in-the-middle-goldfish cracker-eating-house-wife.
Every year I end up head-hung lurking in the back of the swimsuit department looking for a one piece with a foam shells to hold heavy breasts and a floral skirt to hide cheesy hips. I cry because I just can't get myself to buy one. Instead I buy some board shorts and a t-shirt, tell myself I am still cool.
Not this year my friends. This year I bought a red bikini. Don't give me a weight watchers high-five. I don't have a key chain with my goal weight on it. Instead I took back my power.
Go to the department store, there they are and they have been there forever (and they are still there at the end of summer on the clearance rack) "Large" and "Extra Large" bikini's. They are there for a reason, I don't know what it is but this year I decided it was so that I, a full figured woman could enjoy the freedom of swimming without foam boobs and a skirt.
I bought it with pride and a middle finger to impossible size zero women with D-cup breasts stranding in line (I am sorry but those proportions do not happen in nature).
Now I am laying in my little pool on two yellow duckie pool floaties enjoying a tall mojito and the sun on all my delicious body parts.
The first thing you need is a very tall glass. I like to use beer glasses, not the big heavy mugs but the tall thin Pilsner glasses, they go on forever.
Ice, not ice cubes, little ice from the grocery store.
Mint, not the ice cream but the herb, also found at the grocery store in the produce isle. Hell get the ice cream too it's summer.
Mango Juice, Kerns still makes a mango nectar if you can't find it chilled.
Rum, enough said.
Sparkling water, I use Crystal Guiser lime. If you like it a little sweeter you can use 7-up.
These are easy no stress mojito's so relax and find a pitcher.
The mint can be finely chopped on your cutting board (no crushing too much work, you have a cold pool waiting)
Into the pitcher goes a couple hand fulls of ice, two cans of juice, a handful of mint, as much rum as you like, and fill to the top with the fizzy stuff. Stir.
If you don't like mint as much as I do I would suggest a straw or you will be spitting like a left fielder.
Mojito's are best served in a new red bikini with a big bowl of chips and salsa.